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everygrainofsand
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Name: jessica
Birthday: 9/8/1981
Interests: i'm fascinated by Jesus...He captivates virtually my every waking thought...and my greatest interest is finding His fingerprints all over the things of this life. art, people, mountains, knowledge, laughter...it all comes back to God's overwhelming love and creativity...and i will never cease to be amazed by all there is to know of Him...
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  gritardealegria
Member Since:
4/14/2004
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| so, xanga, here we find ourselves yet again. an update since my last entry, you say? why certainly (and briefly)...
spent a month at wildhorse canyon dressing up like a scottish stuntwoman and a slightly deranged sasquatch hunter, trying to make kids laugh and feel loved just as they are...officially my last job as an employee of young life.
came home for my dear friend emily's wedding, and was so blessed to stand up for her as she married the love of her life - the one and only chachee.
moved to bellingham, into a house with three of the most amazing girls i know.
started a new job at whatcom county juvenile detention.
went to africa for 10 days, and i will never be the same.
came home and tried to put all the pieces back together.
started working graveyards...quickly became nocturnal.
had my first west coast christmas.
decided to train for a half marathon in april.
on sunday, as two of my sweet roommates and many of my favorite people in the world headed to florida for the young life all-staff conference...i checked in at the washington state criminal justice training center for my two week juvenile corrections officer academy training.
so here i am...sitting at starbucks in burien, washington...physically exhausted from day one of defensive tactics training (i.e. getting thrown onto the ground and having my joints manipulated for several hours), and yet oddly refreshed both emotionally and spiritually by this experience. i didn't really expect to enjoy this, and in fact anticipated that i would feel a)out of place, b)completely incompetent, and c)extremely disappointed that i'm not in florida with my friends. i've certainly had my moments of each of those feelings in the last few days, but they've been so wonderfully overshadowed by God's presence with me here. i'm not quite sure why this feels like a spiritual retreat for me, but it does. i wake up and have coffee, and i feel a need to commune with Jesus before i start my day. [maybe a no-brainer, but i haven't felt that way for so long...and i've missed it.] i go to class, and i'm refreshed by the opportunity and challenge to wrestle with what it means to follow Christ in such a secular and sometimes brutally hardened profession. i run. i run and i actually like it...because i pray and i think and i worship. i read, with no deadlines or pressure, but just because i love it. i have great conversation and belly laughs with my coworkers...and i treasure the fact that we are all very much imperfect but trying to figure out how to follow Jesus and do our jobs well.
i'm a mess in so many ways...and i'm desperately seeking to rest in that instead of trying to fix it. i have so much to sort out in my heart and spirit, and i am unbelievably grateful that God refuses to give up on me. there are so many things about myself that i wish i could just wash away and never think about again...but those things are also my precious reminders that i need Jesus to get me through. i need Him to make something beautiful of this disaster, and i think that He's in the process of doing that. i don't always love the process, but i love the Author of it. and much more importantly, He loves me. a lot. a whole lot. more than i can understand.
thank you, those of you who have been patient with me throughout all of my ups and downs and sidewayses [yes, i just made that word up]. i'm still here, underneath the dirt and grime and confusion. please pray that i would just let go...and let God be God and me be me.
how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head
if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light
and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright
I know you didn't
bring me out here to drown
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface
if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light
and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and I will walk on water
you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
everything's alright
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| i have to confess...most of the time when i read paul's epistles, i just kind of casually skim over the first few verses - you know, the parts that say, "paul...blah blah blah...to all my friends in blah blah blah...grace and peace to you...etc. etc." - like i would do with the acknowledgements in any other book. i mean sure, it's nice for those people that they're being recognized...but does it really matter to me that the author is grateful for his wife and kids and his best friend and his editors and his neighbor's cousin's fiance? does it really matter to the integrity of God's written word that we know that paul thanks God for these people in philippi? usually i just want to get to the "good stuff"...the parts when he gives his instructions for living or his encouragements to those who are suffering. that's what seems relevant and real to me. these openings almost seem intrusive...like i'm reading someone else's mail or something...which i guess is why i've never really thought much about them.
until today.
i wasn't expecting to cry today. i just walked by shannon's office to say goodbye before leaving for the day...and she asked me how i was. simple enough. i started to tell her that i've been feeling strange lately...partially overwhelmed by all these things i have to get done in this next week and next few months and partially just feeling disconnected from God. it was in the middle of explaining this strange feeling, when i was not even really aware that i was feeling sad, that i began to cry. sob. weep. mourn. grieve. collapse.
and the funniest part is that i felt this instant nearness to God. as i sat there i realized that i'm going to miss this place...because, against all odds, i have actually fallen in love with yelm. my heart is legitimately saddened to be leaving all of this behind. i know that it is God's will for me to move on, and that He has incredible things for me in bellingham, but i am fairly certain that for the rest of my life my heart will be intimately connected to this place. this quirky little town. this home. i have family here. a church that i love. so many memories. a community that believes in me more than i believe in myself. friends that know me...i mean really know me the way you can only know someone when you've been through hell together.
it was like all of a sudden i realized that i'm living those first few verses of paul's letters. i understand why it was so important for us to know that he thanked his God for his friends in rome because their faith was being reported all over the world...and how he longed to see them so that he might impart to them some spiritual gift to make them strong. and how he thanked his God every time he remembered his friends in phillipi and prayed with joy because of their partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. and how he prayed for his friends in ephesus, that the eyes of their hearts might be enlightened so that they could know the hope of their calling. i get it now. i feel that. it's God's design. it's the communion of saints. it's heaven on earth.
this is where i have to live. in this glorious suffering. it breaks my heart to move on, but i have to go. i have a feeling that even when paul knew the importance of the work he was doing...it was hard for him to leave. but i also bet that he would never ask the Lord to lessen the pain of leaving. because the pain is part of the depth of the love. the longing is part of the calling. the hurt is part of the beauty. i can't imagine leaving because i can't even begin to understand how God has brought such incredible friendships out of such outrageously difficult circumstances.
i'm going to miss this place.
and i'm glad God chose to leave those first few verses in the Bible. i think they say a lot about how we're supposed to love people...and maybe even about how Christ loves His people. even when they wander, and try to figure all of this out on their own.
grace and peace to you today, my friend... | | |
| i'm confused.
i'm not sure if it's because i'm asking the wrong questions...or looking for answers in the wrong places...or if maybe life is just confusing and that's all there is to it.
i hate making decisions. and by hate, i mean hate with every fiber of my being. i know that's a lousy thing to say, since the fact that i have the freedom to actually choose what i'm going to do with my life is a privilege that most people in the world don't even have...but it's true. i hate it. i just want someone to come along and eliminate some of my choices so i can say, "see...look! this must be what God wants me to do with my life...because it's the only option left!" oddly enough, that doesn't seem to be how He has chosen to approach this whole situation. i have choices to make, and there is no clear right or wrong to any of them. they are just choices. big choices that will have significant impact on the direction of my life.
for a while, i felt pretty certain that it was time to take a break from vocational ministry. these past few years have been utterly exhausting...and so much of me feels like i'm not ready to be an area director or a youth pastor or anything of that nature. most of the people around me disagreed with this assessment, but i came to a real peace with God about the idea of having a sabbatical. not that i would never return to ministry, but just that i would take some time to be a "normal" person. maybe have some steady income and pay off debt. maybe have a social life with people my own age. maybe even develop some hobbies.
so then here comes the opportunity - a potential job at the whatcom county juvenile detention center! decent pay, flexible hours, working with a couple good friends, and still having the chance to invest in kids - albeit in a very different environment. i apply, and i wait. in the meantime, i decide that i am going to move to bellingham whether i get this job or not.
and then there's africa. i've committed to a trip in october with a church in bellevue...and i couldn't be more thrilled. i have dreamed of going to africa for so long, and this trip just happens to be to the one city that beckons my heart more than any other. in the midst of all my deciding and wondering and searching...i also applied for a couple of long-term volunteer positions with secular aid organizations. just sort of a shot in the dark. i have now been accepted to both - one in uganda from february through april, and one in tanzania from january through august. this complicates things, as both involve significant fundraising and significant time away...
and now, naturally, vocational ministry re-enters the picture. i spent a whole morning last week just really laying all of this at the feet of Jesus...begging Him to direct me and to take my future into His hands. less than half an hour later, i receive a call from the youth director at a church in lynden (just north of bellingham). he tells me that they have a position open, and that i have been highly recommended by my sweet friends up there. my heart skips a beat, which is odd because my heart hasn't even remotely desired to work for a church in quite some time. the timing is something that is hard to ignore, and all the people in my life who don't understand how i could ever do anything but work with kids are thrilled...as though it would be such a shame if i were to do anything other than full-time ministry.
it seems as though just when i know one thing, another thing becomes just as plausible and appealing. and the confirmations come in pairs...emails from two african volunteer programs appear in my inbox at the exact same time as a request to schedule an interview at the detention center, who i had all but given up on after not hearing from them since i sent in my application. there is this lingering feeling that i should take advantage of this opportunity to spend a significant amount of time overseas...but then there is an equally strong feeling that i should jump on the opportunity for a job that is stable and consistent and a community where i already have the kind of deep relationships that i have been craving for the past four and a half years...
i watched 'evan almighty' last night, and i loved it. not that it's some great work of cinematic genius...but because sometimes i feel a lot like evan. like no matter what i do, i have to face the fact that there are going to be people around me who think i'm either an idiot or a nutjob because i really believe that this process has something to do with what God wants for me. i know that it shouldn't matter what other people think...but i'm not sure how to let that go yet. i'm working on it...but it's difficult. there are lots of people here who don't want me to leave, and don't understand why i have to go. God told you to??? why would He do that when there is such a great need for someone to do what you're doing here??? the truth of the matter is that i'm far too wrapped up in this whole people-pleasing mentality...and i'm fairly certain that's why God has placed me in such a position. the whole thing is a mystery, and maybe there is no right answer. there are pros and cons and advantages and disadvantages, and there are more options than i know what to do with. so i pray, and i think so much that i get migraines. and i try not to become paralyzed by it all.
i would appreciate your prayers. it's exhausting, all of this. and as much as i would love for someone to come along and just make this decision for me...i realize that God is calling me to make it for myself. and to make the most of it, whatever it may be. i have to build my ark, load my family and all of my belongings, and wait.
just wait.
and see.
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Photo © Jeremy Cowart
In case you can't read it on the photograph, this is what the text says:
People ask me, "Doesn't it paralyze you to walk so closely and intimately with suffering?"
"No," I tell them.
"If I've learned anything from my time in Africa, it's that though the suffering is overwhelming, so too is the hope."
Hope.
It seems like every day someone else asks me what I'm doing with my life in the fall. It's sort of like graduating from college all over again...only now I'm graduating from yet another "internship" that I thought was supposed to confirm that I had, in fact, discovered a career that would last me for the rest of my life. Maybe it will someday, I certainly haven't ruled out the possibility of returning to Young Life staff at some point down the road, but for now I'm just wandering. My future is full of question marks, but for those who are interested...here are a few things that I do know...
[one]
I'm taking kids to Young Life camp from July 7-13, knowing that I only have a couple of weeks with them after we come home. This is strange...and so not how I would do things in an ideal world. I'm going to miss them terribly...
[two]
I'm leaving Young Life staff with a bang - spending August 1-24 doing program at Wildhorse Canyon for hundreds upon hundreds of middle schoolers from all over the Northwest. Please pray for me...
[three]
I'm leaving assignment a night early so I can make it back for the long-awaited and much-anticipated Degrado/Whitten wedding on the 26th of August. It is such an honor to be part of this day with them...
[four]
At some point in September, I am moving to Bellingham. I will be living with three precious sisters - Paige, Jen, and Leeann - who have graciously invited me into their little family of roommates. I love these women, and am thrilled beyond words that they are willing to share their lives and their home with me...
[five]
Before you ask, I have no idea what I will be doing in Bellingham once I get there. I have applied for a position at the Whatcom County Juvenile Detention Center, where my friends Rhonda and Stephanie work, and apparently chances are pretty good for me there. But nothing is certain, and at this point it's just as likely that I'll be honing my barista skills...
[six]
On October 5th, I'm headed to Northern Uganda for eleven days on a short-term mission trip with a church in Bellevue! After years and years of feeling this indescribable burden for Africa...doors have opened...and I'm going. It's surreal, and overwhelming, and incredible. Only 110 days and $3400 dollars left to get there...
so there you have it. me in a nutshell.
:) | | |
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